| ahm... |
[04 Aug 2005|11:44pm] |
I'm in a wicked random mood right now.
On my way home from rehearsal tonight,
for some reason,
all I could think of was my exboyfriend,
Kevin.
I never really thought about him much after we broke up,
but right now, I don't understand what was wrong with me.
I promised him I would never hurt him
and I promised his friends I COULD never hurt him,
and I hurt him.
I broke up with him for no reason at all.
I don't understand it at all.
WTF is wrong with me?
How the fuck can someone do that?
I honestly loved him TO DEATH.
And I broke up with him?
WHY?
I want to know WHY I broke up with him.
I miss him so much right now.
When we were going out,
we went to a winter formal together for his school,
and it was one of the happiest nights EVER,
and that weekend, I was insanely sad because I missed him so much.
I had that horrible empty feeling like my stomach disappeared or something.
I have that right now.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I wish I could talk to him.
:[
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| stiyf shnahl |
[04 Aug 2005|12:06am] |
Hey remember how Steve Schnell blames people for not being in character, when it is actually because of the confidence he takes away from them? And how the people he says do exceptional only do that because he praises them every chance he gets? And how I, personally, would do better if he would give me the slightest bit of credit once in a while? And how my father is a fucking idiot because instead of picking us up at 9:30, we had to call Kristyn's mom and ask her for a ride home and instead of being here at 10:15 like I should have been, I was home at midnight?
YEAH GOOD FUCKING TIMES.
STEVE SCHNELL CAN KISS MY FUCKING ASS AND MY DAD SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO OWN OR OPERATE A VEHICLE. DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE I HOPE YOU ALL FUCKING DIE.
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| pauhm tahn |
[01 Aug 2005|11:13pm] |
Another understandable but unrhyming, unmetered.
"No"
Buises a memento
Of unconsented discovery.
Tears and the bed
Of the rusted vehicle
Which would become
her spirit's grave;
Sleep haunted by memories,
She pleads for insomnia.
He explored the unexplored,
Visited the forbidden wing,
Whose wilting rose
He made sure
Perfected its task.
She's been violated, torn,
Her spirit broken,
While her only mistake
Was saying "No".
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| pauhm na-een |
[01 Aug 2005|11:11pm] |
Eye Shadow
Shame faced,
Though never shown
To have shamed.
Fake beauty
To assume perfection,
Though lone flaw.
Atop alike,
A new shade.
Hinderance of age,
Constant change,
Hiding that which shames.
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| pauhm aidt |
[01 Aug 2005|11:10pm] |
Du Soleil
Blinding karat,
Far 24 more.
Beautiful,
Though unseen as unable.
Perfect in process,
Array of shades
As rise and down.
Successor splendor,
Though less,
As soul reliance
On borrowed luster.
Central rock to home's
As surrounding,
Some, some unexplored.
Unmodest, nor egotistical,
As not only acting that
Around it revolves the world.
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| pauhm scefin |
[01 Aug 2005|11:09pm] |
Under, Above, In Of
As Nude, shade alike,
Misunderstood, admired,
Over and of His,
In ripples of light
And hue contrasting blue.
Salted life necessity,
Here, though, less.
Creation of He comparing,
Necessity, less to life
As to eye.
Of this, below,
As next hour,
Grainless seem.
Changing ever,
Though to eye, alike
As all previous,
And seem all
As well follow.
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| pauhm sykz |
[01 Aug 2005|11:08pm] |
Stray
Home away,
Lost family as.
Deep rusted cave,
Flooded corridor
Out serve to,
As well remnants
Of past's alike.
This of travel
To murk hall, new,
As next and former rest.
A mark for follow
Of to-be.
Forlorn, lone,
As been and will.
Though journey, haul,
Scape bright;
Light way less
Fortune's face,
Unpleasant, familiar.
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| pauhm phyv |
[01 Aug 2005|11:07pm] |
Sun Down
Between this and next,
Early, Later day,
Death, timely,
Harsh in fewer terms.
Love, light,
Disdain, dark,
An alikeness,
Necessity of contrast.
That of Heaven
In timely death,
Swan though limb longer,
Has way for thought;
Light, dark,
In that of one.
Death of good sort,
As soothes those in need.
In short, timely,
As untimely lasts.
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| pauhm fawr |
[01 Aug 2005|11:06pm] |
Charlie Cherry
Vocal breath
Exchanged for self-silence,
Unheard from unseen.
Real but to creator,
Heard, seen,
Minding his alike.
His and he lonely,
Rise of connexion,
Though wordless, thoughtful,
As his are his own.
Self to, speech;
Ivory constraint?
Nay that should ease,
For in is none to.
Real but to creator,
His and he lonely.
Only companion,
Real, unreal.
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| pauhm thuri |
[01 Aug 2005|11:05pm] |
A Tress, A Tress, A Lock
Lengths of shoulder silk,
Heavy as strong,
Or tangles twine dry,
Chapped thread thin.
Flattering flourescence,
Sand, Ash, Soil,
None shaming shade.
Though of essence, preference
Cease but sweet, smooth,
Pleasing state.
Bi-month, may year,
Intended dissipation
Say strength.
A sand to a soil,
May chap to 'pair,
Lengths of shoulder silk
To those of ear,
A tress, a tress, a lock.
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| pauhm tu |
[01 Aug 2005|11:01pm] |
This is probably my only understandable poem. It's also the only one I've written in a specific rhyme and meter.
This is Your Wrong
My dear old friend, you broke my heart.
There was no need for your depart.
You've shown me love does not exist,
And for my pain I've written this:
I won't forgive, I won't forget
The person for whom tears were fret
For hours days and hours nights,
Tears that can't turn our darks to lights.
I knew you two would never last,
But never thought it'd end so fast.
I only hoped, could only wish
It'd never have to come to this.
I should have had faith, I know that,
But faith can't be pulled from a hat.
I blocked from my mind your mistake,
And realize now we're all so fake.
You don't deserve my trust or love,
Nor forgiveness from He above.
I'll be home Sunday, Thursday too;
I'll pay no time to be with you.
The little one's deserve much more
Than to leave he they so adore.
You broke their hearts, and they don't know
Why last they saw was long ago
The man and family they left,
Because your promises weren't kept.
The girl to whom they so attached,
When you left had a bus to catch.
She left us, too, as you left her
To make pain she should not endure.
The older one, he never cared
But he felt too that you weren't there.
He needed you to give a push
And I blame you for paths he took.
I myself cannot understand
Why my best friend would take my hand,
And tell me she'd always be there,
Then show how little she did care.
But he who brought three on to Earth
Also helped your most treasured birth.
So many nights I had to try
To block out his childless cries.
You took from four two of the most
Important things we'll ever host.
You may read this and shed a tear,
But none that you could would adhere
To those we all cried, nights so long.
Don't speak of pain, this is your wrong.
I bid adieu to she who left,
Whose promises were never kept.
A person can't just escape life
When she's more than mother and wife.
You could not ever know the pain
Of being loved then left to drain.
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| pauhm huahn |
[01 Aug 2005|10:59pm] |
Cold, Civil Revolution
Days, their letters
By to by.
One for each new
And for years.
Such draft to carry,
Letters only means.
Word writ
Rather than spoke.
Cries for months, years,
Heard clear and understood.
So used have they
Who lost as she
To photographs,
Adding to board of losses,
Adding to grief.
Days, their letters
By to by.
One for each new
And for years.
Days, photographs
By to by.
One for each new
And for years.
Homecoming come
Only for few.
Those come home in frame
Whose fortune was chose
By a draft,
Like, though not,
To carry days,
Their letters and photographs.
Fortune in as small
As end which carried it,
End of he
Ending his
Whose letters won't be writ,
Homecoming never come,
But added to board of losses,
Adding to grief.
Days, letters, photographs
By to by.
One for each new
And for years.
Years he who ends,
His she waits too,
By to by
For letters, photograph.
That helps though,
For in photograph,
Waiting ends.
Grief begins,
Waiting ends.
Scene to his she,
And a question.
Does cease wait
Of she who waits
On hers other side?
And scene to ended's she,
Grieving and mourning,
Curses against he
Who ended hers.
His she waits,
Can't I wait?
Days, their ends:
Photographs
By to by.
One for each new
And for years.
His she,
His end's she.
One waiting,
One wish:
Such a privilege
Would be bliss.
Universal heading,
For three named and all;
Waiting, wishing,
Mourning and cries
Heard clear and understood.
So used shouldn't be
They to losing.
So used shouldn't be
They to bullet.
Used will they by, though,
Universally,
Remembrance years hence
Those lost and won.
Days, their greens,
Hopes for word,
Not physical memory.
By to by.
One for each new
And for years.
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| nau muahr |
[28 Jul 2005|03:50pm] |
|
I haven't updated in a while.
Too lazy.
No one reads it anyway.
What's the point?
You should suck my dick.
Cz you bore me.
Fucking comment or something.
Ughh.
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| ah-eel ra-eed daun huyth yuwh lydtl |
[21 Jul 2005|05:56am] |
|
--UNIQUE --
1. Nervous Habits: pulling out my hair, biting my nails, fixing my hair
2. Are you double jointed: no
3. Can you roll your tongue: yes
4. Can you raise one eyebrow: yes but only the right one
5. Can you blow spit bubbles: yes
6. Can you cross your eyes: yes
7. Tattoos: someday
8. Piercings: i dont know anymore. only my ears now i think. i too out the others
9. Do you make your bed daily: no. i rarely sleep in it.
-- CLOTHES --
10. Which shoe goes on first: whichever is closest to my hand
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone?: who hasnt?
12. On the average, how much money do you carry: none
13. What jewelry do you wear: my melty-bead rainbow necklace that i made
14. Favorite piece of clothing: my g.w.bush "face of terror" vendetta red tee
-- FOOD --
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it: twirl. duh
16. Have you ever eaten Spam: vegetarian. thnk god. what the hell is that made out of anyway?
17. Favorite ice cream flavor: moose tracks (YAY) or anything with butterscotch or caramel 8]
18. How many cereals in your cabinet: idk im at school. theyre not in my cabinet anyway, they go on the counter, but maybe like... 7? all generic brand im sure.
19. What's your favorite beverage: uhh... i dont have one? grape soda 8] ?
20. What's your favorite restaurant: P.F. Chang's in boston. only chinese food ive ever liked. its incredible.
21. Do you cook: i love cooking but i dont cook much. just microwavable stuff
-- GROOMING --
22. How often do you brush your teeth: once, maybe twice a day
23. Hair drying method: wipe it with towel for a second, brush the little area that is brushable, then let it air dry basically.
24. Have you ever colored / highlighted your hair: yeah... too much.
-- MANNERS --
25. Do you swear: yes
26. Do you ever spit: ew.
-- FAVORITE --
27. Animal(s): idk... penguins :] ?
28. Food: anything meatless and not fried. i eat like... everything in sight
29. Month: who the hell has a favorite month?
30. Day: saturday probably. my only day off from life.
31. Cartoon: o'grady
33. Subject: english
34. Color: green
35. Sport: none
36. TV show: buffy, o'grady, degrassi, dr. 90210, i want a famous face
37. Thing to do in the spring: walk. haha i have no clue. i like to climb trees too :D
38. Thing to do in the summer: sleep, go out, idk.
39. Thing to do in the fall: walk definitely this time. haha i love autumn. favorite season.
40. Thing to do in the winter: uhh... winter sucks balls
-- IN AND AROUND --
41. In the CD player: Sarah [i'm listening to it right now]
43. Window or aisle: window
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors: yeah its kind of a habit. just to check really quick
45. What color is your bedroom: ugly whitish wallpaper stuff mostly but also that plaster wall greyish color. idk. but most of my walls are covered completely in poster, pictures, etc.
-- LA LA LAND --
48. What's your sleeping position: any at all
49: Do you snore: i think sometimes
51. Do you sleepwalk: no
52. Do you talk in your sleep: yeah sometimes.
53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals: when i sleep in my room, my pillow is my giant stuffed dog that my ex-bf bought for me
54. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on: yes
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| iesce!!! |
[21 Jul 2005|01:48am] |
I'm in a good mood. My friends suck, my love life sucks, I have a lot of work to make up in summer school, rehearals suck, the play isn't worth the $5 you need to pay to see it, and I am fucking HAPPY AS HELL. Haha I just realized how fake it is. It's so shallow and I don't feel it at all. Wow. I don't care at all how stupid and pointless and meaningless this sounds and how much sense it DOESN'T make but I am really happy right now. The end.
...haha
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| Uh-ee mei |
[20 Jul 2005|05:14am] |
| [ |
music |
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PinkFloyd on Alex'sheadphones |
] |
You can ignore my last entry. I may do that more times than one. I get in moods and then... post them on my eljay.
Last night dad drove me to Greg's after rehearsal. I hadn't seen him since Friday July... 8th maybe? I don't remember if that was the date and I'm too lazy to check. Yeah whatever. I saw him. That's happy. Me, him, &Leah were supposed to go to the movies but we got there like, 5 minutes too late and the doors were locked. It was strange because I didn't realize they actually have locks on their doors. Whatever... So Greg's mom flipped out and we drove back to his house to hang out till his mom would bring me&Leah home at 12:30, even though I had summer school the next morning and I had to wake up at 7 (that's where I am right now). Me&Greg... were in his bed the whole time. Leah was on the floor and at the computer. We basically did nothing and were completely silent for two and a half hours. Me&Greg were... still in his bed. Yeah... k
So! We decided we're too cool for 12:30 cz it would have only given us an hour and a half so we didn't move for another hour after that bcz I guess his parents forgot about us. We left at around 1:30 and I got home at quarter to 2. Even though I had summer school the next morning and had to wake up at 7.
I can hear Pink Floyd blaring on Alex's headphones.
Ms. Burke forgot to give work to Ms. Kassin so I could keep myself busy while I make up my time so I'm just chilling at a computer... studying lines for Mame... typing away at my eljay... checking on MySpace... waiting for someone to sign online because no one good is on AIM.
And next time I make an entry like the one before this, it's usually just me being bipolar as usual.
Oh and I have to move soon.
The end.
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| iea yuwh schud da-ee |
[19 Jul 2005|04:11pm] |
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I hope everyone involved in making my life suck would disappear off the face of the earth.
That means you.
You are all fucking liars and bullshitters.
Don't fucking make promises to me.
This means more to me than it does to you so don't pretend you'll try to understand.
Just die and get it over with.
&I don't fucking care how immature I sound right now. I'm getting sick of all of you. If you know me, pretend you don't, because I can't think of one person right now that hasn't made me make this entry. Pretend I don't exist. Thx much. Die.
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| beibiy tshykunz |
[19 Jul 2005|10:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
I'm definitely just going to start walking to Jessi's house. Greg, if you decide to be wicked random and read this, call my cell, and if you don't then I'll just call you at noon like I said I would. Actually I said I would call when I got out of school but seeing as I didn't go (oops :X) I'll just call at twelve and yeah we're hanging out today or I'ma bitch slap you so hard your mom will pee her pants. Don't ask why she'll pee, she just will.
iight,
peace out kids.
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| wiyrd fawr miy |
[19 Jul 2005|10:12am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
F00 F1ght3rs _ B357 0f y0u [itssofuntotypelikethat] |
] |
I haven't updated in two days. I updating like, three times a day while Greg was gone. Not updating is weird for me... Okay yeah, so I don't feel like typing about my insignificant life so I'll just say this morning, I woke up at 9, was going to ride my bike to summer school, forgot my bike was at Jessi's house, called my dad, went to my Nana's house to see if she'd drive me, couldn't find Nana, called Dad, got bitched at, called school to see if it was okay to just make up the day like I'm already making up my other missed days, and went on eljay to preach about it. Apparently I'm supposed to go to Joanne's with Greg but Beverly wants me to hang out with her and I really just want to hang out with Greg or go to Jessi's house to see my babychickens. I misses them so much :'[.
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| 3ym nautissyng nahth-eeng uhghen |
[17 Jul 2005|10:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
I'm lying on the table with everything you said it would
all catch up eventually,
well it caught up and honestly,
the weight of your decisions were impossible to BLAHBLAHBLAH
ihavethatsongstuckinmyhead.
&basically I was right.
no greg.
I'm over it.
I definitely feel like doing something stupid.
But I think I won't.
Yanno?
When you know you won't do something
but it won't drift from your mind?
You're just so tempted to do it?
Like you're probably tempted right now to kick me in the teeth and tell me to shut the fuck up?
Good times.
EW school tomorrow.
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sahmhuahn's journal